Pastoring A Congregation: 10 Commandments

Rating: TFPC, ES

1. You are right. No exceptions.


2. Do not neglect your duty, in every situation, to tell a story about your time in seminary.


3. Never, ever allow yourself or others to become amused at your own expense. Remember at all times your obligation to regard yourself, your beliefs, your words, and your actions with deadly seriousness.


4. Be sure, when preaching, to aim low enough. Remember, they're not as smart as you are.


5. It's your parish. You are responsible for keeping your people under control. See item 1.


6. Stack the board/vestry with people as much like yourself as possible. You don't have time to waste on a bunch of back-chat.


7. And speaking of the board/vestry--they work for you, you don't work for them. After all, you're the one getting paid--obviously, you're more important.


8. Make a daily discipline of pondering your authority. See item 1.


9. Do not laugh or look sheepish if you pass gas in church. Glare at the acolyte instead.


10. Humor your altar guild. They are misinformed, maladjusted, miserly, and miserable, but they are also lunatics who will poison you without turning a blue hair.

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This is a joke. This is only a joke. If this were an actual set of commandments from the Almighty, your keyboard would burst into flames yet your connection speed would be unaffected.